We are once again gathered here to celebrate (or perhaps grouse about) 2008 by sporking another fic that commits many of the errors that BSST strenuously urges all authors to avoid:

- incest as a "kink",
- bad characterization,
- overuse of the top/bottom (seme/uke) paradigm which forces homosexual men into very rigid sex roles.

The offending fic is called Dar Dar Attempts Uke, written by Kiyomi and Ayumi, clearly anime fangirls who think it's cute to write non-amine characters as though they were in an anime movie.

Let the spork... begin. In bold, of course.

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In anime and manga, especially shounen-ai, yaoi and hentai, uke (受け) is a general term for a partner in a relationship who is predominantly bottom and/or submissive. The equivalent for top is seme (攻め, seme). This is Ponyboy and Darry slash. (Dar Dar is Darry, in case you haven't figured that out.) Its kind of funny, because I can't picture Darry with a woman, but i can't picture him with a man, either.

Yeah, fanbrat, you just sit there and keep mocking Darry for being asexual like the uninformed little snot you are. Darry, most assuredly, is not a weepy little uncontrollable wimp. He is very manly, and were we at BSST so inclined, the males among us would love to have him as a boyfriend.

And what's with this seme/uke crap? Real-world gay relationships are much more fluid in terms of who tops and bottoms than you might suspect.

Dar Dar is sitting on the couch, innocently watching tv, when Ponyboy walks in the room. He sits down on the couch next to Dar Dar.

Dar Dar? Jesus christ, fanbrat. Don't infantilize him with that dumb name.

"What'cha watching, Darry?" he asks.

"Happy Days." Ponyboy picked up the remote and turned the tv off. Then he turned to Darry.

Remote controls existed back then but they sure weren't standard equipment on the TVs the Curtises were likely to be able to afford.

"Wha-what are you doing?" he asked. Ponyboy didn't answer. He put his hands on Dar Dar's legs, and looking intently into his eyes, began traveling them up, past his chest, to his wrists, until he was lying down on top of him, pinning his arms above him on the couch.

Pronouns. Watch them. And is it just us or does it seem physically impossible that an approximately 5 foot 8 to 10 120-140 pound Ponyboy could actually "pin" a 6 foot-plus, 170-to-200-pound (all muscle, too) Darry? Not bloody likely.

"You are mine."

"What?" Dar Dar asked in a small voice. Ponyboy began unbuttoning Darry's shirt with his teeth. When he got to his pants, Darry cried, "No! No! Stop! Let me go!" Darry's face turned a deep shade of crimson and he was breathing heavily, his eyes tightly shut. Ponyboy ignored him and continued working on his pants with his teeth. When they were unbuttoned, he ripped them off.

Oh, Jesus christ. Characterization Gods in Heaven, strike this fanbrat dead where she is right now. Why are gay men portrayed as whiny and weepy people who can't fight back if they want to?

"I want you to take my clothes off." Ponyboy said in a low voice. Dar Dar shook his head vigorously. Little beads of sweat were collecting on his forehead. Ponyboy licked them off. "Please," he said. Darry slowly inched the shirt over Pony's head. "That wasn't so bad, was it Dar Dar?" Darry didn't respond. Pony tilted his chin up and looked into his eyes. They were watering. "Do you like it?" he asked Darry.

"No! This is wrong!!" he cried.

Yes, incest is very wrong, Darry. Thank you for that moment of sanity in this fic.

"You're lying." Pony said. He inched a little closer to Darry, resting his knee in between his legs. Pony leaned in and kissed him, sweeping his tongue gently across Darry's lower lip. He kissed his neck, slowly working his way down.

"Stop!" Darry said breathlessly.

"Fine," Pony said, standing up, "you won't admit that you like it." He began to walk away.

"No, wait!" Darry couldn't help himself. Ponyboy turned around. Darry was blushing again, with his hand up to his face. He looked away silently. "I…It's okay…" he said. Pony smiled and walked back over to Darry.

Must refrain from rolling eyes. Very hard. God, this Darry is so OOC it's hard to recognize anything of the non pod-person Darrel Curtis in this fake rendition of him.

"I promise to be gentle this time," he said. Then he leaned over Darry and kissed him.

We die. Not laughing. Of facepalming excessively.

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The next fic we spork will not be Curtiscest, since we'd like to avoid being one-note sporkers. Again, note the egregious errors in this fic, even though the spelling and grammar are quite good. Perfectly good writing skills have been wasted on absolute garbage like the above. Don't be an author who wastes your talent writing junkfic.

We are once again gathered here to continue sporking this monument to bad slash. Let this be a warning to authors - just because your writing is technically competent in terms of good spelling and grammar, it does not mean your fic is free from horrible defects.

For those who would like to go straight to the chapter, it's here.

As usual, our text is in bold, and fic text is not bold.

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Brotherly Loving.

Oh, NOW we know we're in for some bad shit.

This is chapter three of None The Wiser. It is a little different this time. A touching brother to brother moment in bed. Hehehe. Well, on with the disclaimer.

Oh, that double entendre was just SO clever. Psych!. And wait until you see the shit she's got up as a disclaimer.

Sodapop: —comes out in maid outfit— Steve, do I have to wear this?

Steve: —spanks his ass— yeah, it makes you look sexy.

That would NEVER happen -- not the Sodapop/Steve part, it's actually the slash relationship we find most believeable -- but Soda wearing a maid outfit anywhere anyone could see him... er, no.

Ponyboy: I think Johnny is sexier. —fondles his friend—

Johnny: —grabs Ponyboy and kisses him passionately—

Yeah, and Ponyboy and Johnny are both sexually aggressive. Or aggressive at all. Fuck the beef, where's the CANON?!

All: —go into other room—

Skeledog lover: —sigh— I guess I'll do it. These guys seem to be a little (cough, cough) busy at the moment.

What's up with the constant "cough, coughs"? Dolores Umbridge wants her schtick back. Although she has dibs on "hem, hem", we admit.

Steve: I'm close!

Skeledog lover: I do not own `The Outsiders'! —runs and hides—

That's right, bitch, you had better run and hide. BSST is gunning for your bad-slash-writing ass, and we don't take any prisoners.

Anyone POV

Jesus wept. And then headdesked in Heaven, upon which thunder and lightning crashed in the sky.

They were both covered in sweat, their tongues tangled inside their mouths. He brushed against his rock hard member and stroked and teased mercilessly. He heard the soft moan escape his lips.

Why the constant descriptions of their penii as "rock hard"? Is it okay for them not to be at the height of arousal at all times? Even guys gotta work up to it, y'know. It's not like flicking on a switch, even for the teenagers.

Oh, and could you just hurry the fuck up and write from Sodapop's POV, if that's what you are going to do? The artsy-fartsiness of an omniscent POV and delayed character identification is just a little overboard for a smutfic, don't you think?

One more thing -- that tongues tangled thing? I think they should have a doctor look at that shit.

He opened his greenish gray eyes when his brother went inside of him and Soda groaned contentedly. Sodapop looked into his brother's greenish gray eyes and wanted no more than to kiss his soft lips.

We've heard of "sighed contentedly," but this is a first for "groaned contentedly." Not our word choice, but not horrible, either.

As for the pairing you've chosen: Yuck. Incest is nasty; we don't care if it is two hot brothers or not. Nasty. Nasty. Nasty. And again, for emphasis: Nasty. You can't argue with us on this one; we're pretty sure we have the moral high ground here. If anyone doubts this, then any gay people reading this, quick! think about your sibling. Try to stifle the incipient nausea...

Whoops.

Yeah, sorry about that. Barf bags and industrial strength mouthwash all around. No, incest is not "hawt".

He pushed himself in and pulled out slowly causing Ponyboy to whimper. He slammed himself back in and both brothers moaned.

Ouch. Man, no lube mentioned. You need lube, okay? It's essential. Trust us. Shoot, trust all those free condom pamphlets for gay men which tell you that lube and preparation are kind of a must.

Meanwhile . . .

Ponyboy watched as his brother was sweating in his sleep.

Can you really watch someone sweat? And in the dark?

He kept moaning and moving around a bit. Finally, Ponyboy heard him moan someone's name.

You are showing, not telling. Bad slash author, no biscuit!

Oh, and Ponyboy? FYI, dude -- your brother's having a wet dream. You're fourteen, you figure it out, kid.

"Oh, god, Ponyboy."

Ponyboy watched in confusion as his brother ejaculated all over the covers.

Okay, Pony, that thing in your pants? The one that wee-wee comes out of? That's called a penis, okay? And when you get to be a grown-up man ...

"S-Soda?" Ponyboy asked, a little frightened not only by the fact that his brother was having a sex dream about him but because he liked the sound of him moaning his name.

BE AFRAID, PONY! BE VERY AFRAID! You've fallen into a bad incest fic!

As an aside, how the hell does Pony know the dream's about him?

Yes, Soda moaned his name, but given his history as an apparent heterosexual, you think Pony wouldn't instantly jump to the conclusion that he was a) dreaming about a guy and b) that guy was him.

He's a smart kid, but the author has not allowed him to reason this out and has given him the answer before he's earned it. You can almost see her standing in the background. Fail.

Psychics-R-Us, we have a candidate for you, if Ponyboy indeed has divinatory talents, though S. E. Hinton's never said anything about that.

He moved cautiously towards his older brother and stroked his cheek. Soda moaned in his sleep and smiled slightly, still spilling his seed all over the bed, and Ponyboy.

Damn, that's some sort of ejaculate you've got there, Soda. Porn star casting central? Yeah. We've got a Sodapop Curtis for you.

Hey, author? Can you advertise any more clearly that you have NO idea how the male body works? How LONG do you really think a guy ejaculates? Let's give you a clue, okay? It is NOT several minutes.

Strangely enough Ponyboy didn't mind. In fact he went underneath the covers of their bed and took off Soda's boxers. Sodapop was fully erect and throbbing. Ponyboy licked the side of his penis, barely able to control his hunger.

Um, dude ... number one, it's only polite to ask a guy if he's into it before you give him a beejay. Just because he said your name in his sleep doesn't mean he wants your lips wrapped around his cock.

Number two, if Soda just had a minutes-long ejaculation, he is NOT "fully erect and throbbing." He is probably slimey and squishy. Not exactly the sort of thing hot slash is made of, right?

(Hint: it'd take a few minutes for him to start his engine back up, to coin a cheezy aphorism. Ok, he's sixteen, but...)

Soda moaned louder and opened his eyes, seeing his brother doing this to him. He sighed and gave in to the feeling, gently stroking Pony's hair.

"Oh, god, Ponyboy . . . don't stop."

This is all sorts of wrong. Soda cares about Ponyboy. I think he'd at least have the courtesy to clean himself up first. Also, you are abusing the ellpsis there. Space, three periods, space -- that's how it's done. And "God," being a proper noun, should be capitalized.

Ponyboy was a little shocked when Soda awoke but soon got over it because Soda wasn't mad. Finally Soda came, screaming his name and squirting more than before. Pony swallowed the strange tasting liquid and lay with Soda.

Did you think he wouldn't eventually wake up when you were giving him a hummer? We don't know about you, but we think the average human being tends to notice those sorts of things, awake or not. That's sort of the point, isn't it?

And again, you show your total lack of knowledge of the male body. Really, if you are too young to fuck and get this info first hand, you're probably too young to be writing pornography.

Soda would NOT be "squirting more than before." You see, a man produces less and less ejaculate when he performs several times within a sort period of time. A man doesn't have an infinite supply of ejaculate. His body produces ... when the fuck did this become a health lesson? Screw it. That's what Google's for.

But, Ponyboy was now fully erect and hot. He wanted that warm feeling too and Soda noticed. He was always good at that.

"That warm feeling"? You mean he'd like to orgasm? We'll 'splain something to you: You look like a fucking idiot, writing porn while being too squimish to use the terminology. At least there's no "ummm... you know what"s in this chapter as euphemisms for the male penis.

He climbed up, over Ponyboy, and without a second thought plunged himself inside his younger brother.

LUBE, DAMNIT! An anus is NOT a vagina, and even a woman would be hurt if you just jammed a penis all up in there without preparation.

Ponyboy whimpered just like in the dream

'Cuz Soda just tore his asshole wide open.

and Sodapop felt himself harden again.

Um ... you do realize that anal penatration is VERY difficult unless the person doing the penatration is erect, right? I mean, there's a ring of muscles there that keeps everything shut so you aren't filling your pants all the damn time.

Oh, fuck it -- slash writer? More like hack writer. You don't know anything about the male body or gay sex, except the vaguest of concepts.

He pulled out then back in finding pleasure in the smaller boy's moans.

Ponyboy came before Soda and squirted all over both of their chests.

Dear Author,

The penis is NOT a garden hose.

That is all.

Signed,
Needs Brain Bleach

Soda continued to pound into his brother, gentle but determined, and came inside of him.

So, erm ... he's pounding him gently?

Oh, and we're gonna need some babywipes or something for Pony. All those buckets of cum have got to go SOMEWHERE. I wonder what Darry is going to think when he has to do laundry next? From the descriptions in this fic, those sheets are PLATED. Nasty.

They both lay down contentedly, their arms around each other. They were almost asleep when Pony said.

"Soda, nobody can know . . ."

"Don't worry, Ponyboy. The gang will be none the wiser." And they fell asleep. . .

Until Darry does laundry next, anyway.

Alright, that was probably the weirdest I've written so far.

You don't say?

Next one will have a girl

We sort of doubt that's what your readers are looking for, especially since you just went through three chapters of boysex. Anybody hanging around hoping for het has probably given up by now.

and don't worry you'll have your taste of Dallas, Two-Bit and Darry. (Reading the story you perverts!)

Translated: "I am a woe panda. I thought you were going to allow me to cannibalize fictional characters."

Anyway, please R&R.

Think you oughtta reconsider that ...

Flames are for campfires.

We're getting a vague image of Smokey the Bear here, along with all his forest friends.

Also, can someone tell me what incest is?

BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, you're shitting us all, right? Tell us you are shitting all your readers, or we'll lose all faith in humanity. Really, we will.

Everytime I look it up I get the brothers having sex with each other so I don't know whether this is incest or not.

Oh God, you really ARE that clueless. Scotty, beam us up.

Hey, author? When you look up incest, and you keep getting links for brother-on-brother action, it's a good bet that is what incest is.

How in the FUCK can someone write an incest fic without knowing what incest is? It's ingenious, it really is!

Anyway please R&R.

Only if you provide complimentry brain bleach.

This will be updated ASAP.

Why must you threaten all sensible readers who know incest is not a "kink"?

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Again, we remind all slash fic writers - take these sporked fics as examples of what not to do when writing fic. Keep points of view clear, try to avoid having to use explicit POV tags, write your sex scenes realistically, and for God's sake respect basic social sensibilities. If you can't write rape or incest believably, stay a hundred million miles away from that shit. We'd rather read a decent slash fic in which Darry boffs an old high school buddy, consensually. Yes, Darry knows what sex is, as surprising as that thought must be.

We are privileged to announce that we are about to spork yet another bad slash fic. In fact, we are multiply privileged as we plan to spork future chapters of this fic later on.

For now, let us introduce the fic URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3648731/1/None_the_Wiser

The author profile (Skeledog Lover) is here: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1264249/Skeledog_Lover

As usual, our text is in bold and the author text is plain. Let us begin.

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None the Wiser. Warning- made on a sugar rush of half a liter of Pepsi. You have been warned. You might hate me for this. Get over it! SLASH

Ah yes. The usual "sugar high" excuse proferred by fanbrats as to why they write crap fic. Moving on...

Anyone POV

*sigh* - *headdesk* *headdesk* We are collectively wincing at this hash being made of the "Omniscient POV". Perhaps the author thinks "omniscient" is too large of a word for her brain?

Sodapop Curtis was sitting in the living room awaiting the return of his best friend Steve Randal. The truth is that they had been more
than friends for a while now. It started as a fling . . . it ended as a relationship.

"Randal". Good grief! Spell their names correctly!

Steve burst through the door and Soda bounded up and grabbed him by the waist. They kissed passionately. They were making out right there, Steve's hands grabbing hold of Soda's long golden hair. Soda's hands groped Steve's body until it landed on his rock hard member. Steve moaned into his mouth and they began going towards Soda's old room (because Soda would feel terrible if they did anything in a room he shared with Ponyboy!)

Yes, we know you love the boy-kissing, Skeleton Lover or whatever your necrophiliac name is. There's only a couple problems:

1. Why on Earth would the two of them just take up with each other? Where's the back story for this? It's not like they can just announce it to the whole world without a whole lot of potential disaster scenarios here.

2. "Soda's hands" are plural. What is a singular "hands" doing on Steve's "member"?

They made their way to the bed and laid down, finally breaking apart for a breath. Soda tugged at the buckle of Steve's jeans and Steve complied, taking off his pants. Next was Soda. Steve pulled off Soda's jeans for him and laid back down on the bed next to him. Soda kissed him softly on he lips and started to undo the buttons on Steve's shirt. Steve did the same with Sodapop, removing his shirt while kissing him.

Not bad, we suppose.

Soon they were both in their underwear, fondling each other relentlessly. Then, Soda did the most unexpected thing he could have, he took Steve's . . .um, you know what, and engulfed it in his mouth. Here he was giving his best friend a blow-job and loving every second of it.

"Relentlessly", eh? Not sure that's quite the effect you're aiming for there, Dogcatcher.

That "um, you know what" thing is just totally, one hundred percent, class A *LAME*. Abandon this fic now and throw it away, crapslash author. If you can't nerve yourself to write about male body parts believably, don't get cute and use lame euphemisms.

Your mixed-POV here is also confusing. You've got Sodapop giving Steve the ol' hummer, but then you switch in the next sentence to (apparently) Steve thinking "wow, a 'um, you know what' in my mouth is really cool!"

When Steve came Soda couldn't help but give one of his famous smiles. Steve flipped them over so that he was on top and pulled off Soda's underwear. He was throbbing with lust and want.

"Throbbing with lust and want" paints a rather weird picture, but hey, in bad slash, a man's body can throb! Yes, we are probably being overly literal in our interpretation of what does the throbbing, but without better description, we run with what we got.

Without too much of a warning Steve forced himself into Soda. Sodapop shut his eyes at the pain. You would have thought that after three months he would be used to it but . . . no!

No, no, no and NO, is exactly right. We think a guy "forcing himself" into someone else is committing... yes, rape. Bad author! Bad! This isn't consensual sex! God, don't they ask permission of each other? You know, like real boyfriends would? Get a clue, fanbrat, about gay relationships.

Steve pulled out so that only the tip of his cock was in and forced himself back in with more force than before, causing Sodapop to moan loudly.

Since we've already handled the bad description of sex, we'll just note that "forced ... with more force" sounds kind of redundant and strange. Oh yes, and don't forget the lube - which, y'know, is kind of a necessity here.

I bet you're wondering, "Where's the rest of the gang?" Well, you're gonna have to read the other chapters to find out! — insert maniacal laugh here—

Author notes in the middle of a fic, no matter how cutesy or lovely, *do not belong there*.

Steve, lost in pleasure found himself even more aroused by his friend's moaning than ever. Soda came before he did and soon relaxed and watched his friend as he climaxed. They lay down next to each other, both sweating from all the (cough, cough) work they were doing and Soda snuggled into Steve's arms. Steve played with Soda's hair gently, and soon they were both asleep.

Actually, we think that this is slightly realistic. The Mutual Orgasm Of All That Is Holy is very rarely achieved, even for gay guys who have a bit more, shall we say, manual control over the situation.

We are surprised they would fall asleep, cuddling, when "the gang being none the wiser" implies that they'd be having hurried sex somewhere and hiding it, paranoiacally.

Assuming that's a word.

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This fic is almost a textbook example, we think, of the damage lack of research can do to a fic. Focussing just on the sex angle, lube is a necessity, not an option, unless the guys involved have some kink about rough (and we do mean rough) sex.

Stay tuned for more, same bat-journal, same bat-fic.

We are gathered here today to witness a sporking, namely that written by "Fai77", "Inspired by Roaches", and now "Operated by Sheen Corp". We wish you would stick with one handle, but we guess you either think you're too cool to stick with just one handle, or you think changing your handle all the time keeps the sporkers away.

See the author profile here: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1395793/Operated_by_Sheen_Corp

Inspired by ROACHES? Good god, girl. WTF? At least "Operated by Sheen Corp" sounds better.

Wonder of wonders, the author is the infamous "Two-bitty"'s sister! Two-Bitty him/herself says "Ace" is the name. So where did "Tracie", a rather feminine-sounding name come from? Gender confusion here, folks? (Though we recognize that "Ace" can be a shortened version of "Tracie" if you do some hornswoggling with the letters. Assuming that Two-bitty isn't a girl masquerading as a guy. Gender confusion abounds.)

However, the author claims Two-bitty is the one who was adopted. Originally it was implied that the author was adopted, so we don't know if Sheenster just likes changing things around to confuse people. Regardless, we're happy that Two-bitty's parents only spawned one window-chucking, foul-mouthed excuse for a human being.

"I write alot like Tracie does, so we might look the same."

Oh, we bet you do. And we've decided you must be an alter ego rather than a misguided sibling. Which would make sense, since what older sibling helps their younger sister write this kind of stuff?

The fic itself is here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3841514/1/Exposed

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Our text will look like this. The author's text will look like this.

Let's begin.

"One kid, not much older than my self, kept popping up everywhere I went. On my couch at home, at the dinner table, mooching off of us, and he even got a job roofing houses with me. And I have to say, he's not bad at it. Not that I mind having him around, he's a good friend and he always lifts the mood when he's around. The guy can't keep his mouth shut for a good five minutes, though. But I like him. A lot."

It would be kind of nice to know who's doing the narrating, and as the subsequent sections make clear, the setting is very poorly... er, set up. The author is apparently trying to leave us in suspense, which might actually be the case given that we think a murder mystery might be trying to burst out of this fic.

"Dar! Wake up!" the familiar voice yelled. I cracked open my eyes and blinked a little, to clear the blurred vision. None other than Two-Bit's gray eyes were staring blankly into mine. Then, he smiled. "You sleepin', Dar-Dar?" he asked. I grinned and put a hand on his cheek to push him away. He fell to the side, landing on his back.

We do not believe "Dar-Dar" is an appropriate endearment, but letting the matter ride, the more disturbing part is "Staring blankly". Wouldn't there be a bit more emotion in that stare? Perhaps some hint of friendship, even? Usually enemies stare blankly at each other.

Now, Two-bit gets a lot of "stupid, but endearing" characterization, but really.

And boy howdy, Darry must have some damn strong hands there! From flat on his back, pushing Two-Bit's cheek and sending him sprawling! We think that would hurt, considering it would be a slap, not a push, if it were to do that to Two-Bit. Our author needs to learn basic physics!

"Yes, I was sleeping, Two-Bit," I barked, sitting up and smiling. Two-Bit had an arm shielding his eyes from the sun. He was shirtless and dripping with sweat and grease, "You workin' hard, kid?"

Are they in Darry's bedroom, or a construction site, or...? And "barking, yet smiling"? Is he bi-polar or just confused?

We think Two-Bit dripping with grease in Darry's bedroom would be a very disturbing thought. Highly so, especially as we have no idea where it would come from. Has the kitchen exploded?

Unfortunately, that does not stop us from momentarily getting a mental image of Two-Bit in the kitchen with a tub of lard, slathering himself and going, "Wow, I look hot."

"Get over it," I said, "C'mon, lets finish the roof real quick," I said, guiding him to the other side of the roof. He was whining at me to stop pushing him.

From bed to the roof? That's a new method of getting to construction sites! Scotty, beam 'em up!

And maybe Scotty can set up a safety net, since they are pushing each other on a rooftop. Why would Darry, of roofing legend (or so says S.E.) be pushing someone on a roof?! Because he wants Two-Bit to fall off? "Oopsy. Sorry, Two-Bit. Break your back, did you? My bad." All in the name of slashy teasing.

Not exactly foreplay, Darry.

Or maybe, just maybe ... this is canon-Darry popping up in a desperate attempt to derail the fic before the sexxors? Pushing Two-Bit off the roof is a bit extreme, though.

Another possibility - Darry is secretly plotting to kill Two-Bit! It's not slash at all – it's a murder mystery! It was Darry, on the roof, with the grease!

You can tell we had fun analyzing all the reasons for this flagrant disregard for setting and Occupational Health and Safety.

"Since when do you care if I invite you to eat over?" I asked, patting him on the back and passing him the bundle. He chucked it over to the side wall of the house. I went in first and he followed. His usual route was to toss his shirt across the room, grab a towel from my room, and hop in the shower.

Another lift from Scotty, back to the Curtis home. Or maybe they were roofing Darry's own house?

Because clearly, Darry could afford to replace his house's roof, as well as supporting Ponyboy and freeloading Two-Bit, who is sponging here in more than one way.

Shower at your own damn house, Two-Bit.

We're still wondering where the mysterious grease came from. Maybe it's better not to. We'd drive up the stock of Clorox Bleach if we kept wondering.

"Since when are you so helpful, Two-Bit? What are you, sick?" I asked laughing as I tossed him the box of uncooked spaghetti. He caught it and opened the flaps. I moved out of the way as he squeezed past to the pot. Taking a handful, he broke all of them& in half and threw them in. Then he took the spoon and stirred the pot. I was adding spices and pieces of meat to the sauce. It was about that time the front door slammed open and I could hear the buzz of conversation from Sodapop and Steve. Then, there was a crash.

Thank you, FaiRoachSheenWhatever, for that riveting depiction of spaghetti cooking. It is, after all, such a difficult recipe to master. We are surprised though, that Two-Bit has managed to acquire both cooking and roofing skills, while still being a lazy ass.

Wait for it … this is the best part … the scene break! And not just any scene break, oh no.

– – –rawr! goes the dinosaur– – –

A dinosaur? In a scene break? Either evolution has gone haywire or that is some clown shit right there. And we feel sorry for the clowns.

"Darry?" Two-Bit called. I pretended to still be asleep unless he really needed me, "Darry?" he repeated. The edge of the bed sank where he knelt. I could feel him lean over me. Then, I felt his lips on mine, softly. My eyes opened and I saw him, lightly kissing me with his eyes closed. I blinked for a minute. In one swift movement, I grabbed onto him and flipped him onto the bed so I was on top. His eyes were huge, expanding over half of his face, or so it seamed. I grinned."

Anime alert! Half his face? Why is Darry not more concerned about these freakishly large eyes? And why is Two-Bit's face being seamed?

On a more realistic note, we have NO setup for this; nothing to establish why two boys in the 1960s would just start kissing.

And when did Two-Bit get so shy? Bad slash, bad characterization. What next in this fic?

"Um... I... I'm...," he stammered, searching for words. Rolling my eyes, I bent down and gave him a small kiss. He tensed up for a moment, but relaxed and let himself enjoy it. I broke the kiss and saw him blushing again.

Pod People Central? Yes, we want you to issue a refund on this very poor replacement for one Keith "Two-Bit" Mathews. We think you accidentally gave the author the Pod Person for "Two-But" Mathews instead. That would explain the grease-slathering, too.

Perhaps, though, there are no pod people - Two-Bit and Darry have been beamed to another planet! That must be it! Scotty, miracle worker!

Two-Bit is clearly blushing because he has been transformed into a (weepy?) uke. The endearments Darry and Two-Bit use - "kid" and "little buddy" - only make this idea more disturbing. We believe there may be a possible confluence with Curticest, given that Darry is calling Two-Bit endearments reserved for Ponyboy and Sodapop.

We are left wondering one thing: what in Two-Bit's characterization says, "Hey, turn me into a girl with a penis?"

---

As you can see, bad slash is not just about unrealistic descriptions of sex acts, or the like. It can extend to the distortion of the characterization of canon characters to fit the author's warped idea of what ought to be in a slash fic.

We think authors who write bad slash, just as authors who write bad fic generally, need to really have an eye on characterization, setting, spelling and grammar. We didn't touch the grammar or the lack of proper dialog formatting, but rest assured it's there.

Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for the next time we'll spork a fic.

Hi,

We freely admit that our inspiration is NOADS (Neglected Outsiders Anti-Defamation Society), as far as our dedication to stamping out the epidemic of bad fic is concerned.

Where we differ is that NOADS generally dislike doing slash. We, on the other hand, are a collection of slash writers and/or people who do not object to slash, but who do violently object to bad slash.

Slash that takes no account of social conditions in the 1960s.

Slash that takes no account of the personalities of the characters involved.

Slash that is written with abominable English spelling and grammar, along with ritual abuse of punctuation.

In short, slash written by an author who is deficient in basic common sense as far as we can tell.

To the extent that slash fiction itself tends to break canon in S. E. Hinton's universe, we recognize that this is unavoidable. However, fics that deal realistically with the obstacles facing homosexuals in Oklahoma in the 1960s will be appreciated, and by more than just us; they'll be appreciated by anyone who knows a good fic when he or she sees one.