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We are privileged to announce that we are about to spork yet another bad slash fic. In fact, we are multiply privileged as we plan to spork future chapters of this fic later on.
For now, let us introduce the fic URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3648731/1/No
The author profile (Skeledog Lover) is here: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1264249/Skel
As usual, our text is in bold and the author text is plain. Let us begin.
None the Wiser. Warning- made on a sugar rush of half a liter of Pepsi. You have been warned. You might hate me for this. Get over it! SLASH
Ah yes. The usual "sugar high" excuse proferred by fanbrats as to why they write crap fic. Moving on...
Anyone POV
*sigh* - *headdesk* *headdesk* We are collectively wincing at this hash being made of the "Omniscient POV". Perhaps the author thinks "omniscient" is too large of a word for her brain?
Sodapop Curtis was sitting in the living room awaiting the return of his best friend Steve Randal. The truth is that they had been more
than friends for a while now. It started as a fling . . . it ended as a relationship.
"Randal". Good grief! Spell their names correctly!
Steve burst through the door and Soda bounded up and grabbed him by the waist. They kissed passionately. They were making out right there, Steve's hands grabbing hold of Soda's long golden hair. Soda's hands groped Steve's body until it landed on his rock hard member. Steve moaned into his mouth and they began going towards Soda's old room (because Soda would feel terrible if they did anything in a room he shared with Ponyboy!)
Yes, we know you love the boy-kissing, Skeleton Lover or whatever your necrophiliac name is. There's only a couple problems:
1. Why on Earth would the two of them just take up with each other? Where's the back story for this? It's not like they can just announce it to the whole world without a whole lot of potential disaster scenarios here.
2. "Soda's hands" are plural. What is a singular "hands" doing on Steve's "member"?
They made their way to the bed and laid down, finally breaking apart for a breath. Soda tugged at the buckle of Steve's jeans and Steve complied, taking off his pants. Next was Soda. Steve pulled off Soda's jeans for him and laid back down on the bed next to him. Soda kissed him softly on he lips and started to undo the buttons on Steve's shirt. Steve did the same with Sodapop, removing his shirt while kissing him.
Not bad, we suppose.
Soon they were both in their underwear, fondling each other relentlessly. Then, Soda did the most unexpected thing he could have, he took Steve's . . .um, you know what, and engulfed it in his mouth. Here he was giving his best friend a blow-job and loving every second of it.
"Relentlessly", eh? Not sure that's quite the effect you're aiming for there, Dogcatcher.
That "um, you know what" thing is just totally, one hundred percent, class A *LAME*. Abandon this fic now and throw it away, crapslash author. If you can't nerve yourself to write about male body parts believably, don't get cute and use lame euphemisms.
Your mixed-POV here is also confusing. You've got Sodapop giving Steve the ol' hummer, but then you switch in the next sentence to (apparently) Steve thinking "wow, a 'um, you know what' in my mouth is really cool!"
When Steve came Soda couldn't help but give one of his famous smiles. Steve flipped them over so that he was on top and pulled off Soda's underwear. He was throbbing with lust and want.
"Throbbing with lust and want" paints a rather weird picture, but hey, in bad slash, a man's body can throb! Yes, we are probably being overly literal in our interpretation of what does the throbbing, but without better description, we run with what we got.
Without too much of a warning Steve forced himself into Soda. Sodapop shut his eyes at the pain. You would have thought that after three months he would be used to it but . . . no!
No, no, no and NO, is exactly right. We think a guy "forcing himself" into someone else is committing... yes, rape. Bad author! Bad! This isn't consensual sex! God, don't they ask permission of each other? You know, like real boyfriends would? Get a clue, fanbrat, about gay relationships.
Steve pulled out so that only the tip of his cock was in and forced himself back in with more force than before, causing Sodapop to moan loudly.
Since we've already handled the bad description of sex, we'll just note that "forced ... with more force" sounds kind of redundant and strange. Oh yes, and don't forget the lube - which, y'know, is kind of a necessity here.
I bet you're wondering, "Where's the rest of the gang?" Well, you're gonna have to read the other chapters to find out! — insert maniacal laugh here—
Author notes in the middle of a fic, no matter how cutesy or lovely, *do not belong there*.
Steve, lost in pleasure found himself even more aroused by his friend's moaning than ever. Soda came before he did and soon relaxed and watched his friend as he climaxed. They lay down next to each other, both sweating from all the (cough, cough) work they were doing and Soda snuggled into Steve's arms. Steve played with Soda's hair gently, and soon they were both asleep.
Actually, we think that this is slightly realistic. The Mutual Orgasm Of All That Is Holy is very rarely achieved, even for gay guys who have a bit more, shall we say, manual control over the situation.
We are surprised they would fall asleep, cuddling, when "the gang being none the wiser" implies that they'd be having hurried sex somewhere and hiding it, paranoiacally.
Assuming that's a word.
This fic is almost a textbook example, we think, of the damage lack of research can do to a fic. Focussing just on the sex angle, lube is a necessity, not an option, unless the guys involved have some kink about rough (and we do mean rough) sex.
Stay tuned for more, same bat-journal, same bat-fic.
For now, let us introduce the fic URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3648731/1/No
The author profile (Skeledog Lover) is here: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1264249/Skel
As usual, our text is in bold and the author text is plain. Let us begin.
None the Wiser. Warning- made on a sugar rush of half a liter of Pepsi. You have been warned. You might hate me for this. Get over it! SLASH
Ah yes. The usual "sugar high" excuse proferred by fanbrats as to why they write crap fic. Moving on...
Anyone POV
*sigh* - *headdesk* *headdesk* We are collectively wincing at this hash being made of the "Omniscient POV". Perhaps the author thinks "omniscient" is too large of a word for her brain?
Sodapop Curtis was sitting in the living room awaiting the return of his best friend Steve Randal. The truth is that they had been more
than friends for a while now. It started as a fling . . . it ended as a relationship.
"Randal". Good grief! Spell their names correctly!
Steve burst through the door and Soda bounded up and grabbed him by the waist. They kissed passionately. They were making out right there, Steve's hands grabbing hold of Soda's long golden hair. Soda's hands groped Steve's body until it landed on his rock hard member. Steve moaned into his mouth and they began going towards Soda's old room (because Soda would feel terrible if they did anything in a room he shared with Ponyboy!)
Yes, we know you love the boy-kissing, Skeleton Lover or whatever your necrophiliac name is. There's only a couple problems:
1. Why on Earth would the two of them just take up with each other? Where's the back story for this? It's not like they can just announce it to the whole world without a whole lot of potential disaster scenarios here.
2. "Soda's hands" are plural. What is a singular "hands" doing on Steve's "member"?
They made their way to the bed and laid down, finally breaking apart for a breath. Soda tugged at the buckle of Steve's jeans and Steve complied, taking off his pants. Next was Soda. Steve pulled off Soda's jeans for him and laid back down on the bed next to him. Soda kissed him softly on he lips and started to undo the buttons on Steve's shirt. Steve did the same with Sodapop, removing his shirt while kissing him.
Not bad, we suppose.
Soon they were both in their underwear, fondling each other relentlessly. Then, Soda did the most unexpected thing he could have, he took Steve's . . .um, you know what, and engulfed it in his mouth. Here he was giving his best friend a blow-job and loving every second of it.
"Relentlessly", eh? Not sure that's quite the effect you're aiming for there, Dogcatcher.
That "um, you know what" thing is just totally, one hundred percent, class A *LAME*. Abandon this fic now and throw it away, crapslash author. If you can't nerve yourself to write about male body parts believably, don't get cute and use lame euphemisms.
Your mixed-POV here is also confusing. You've got Sodapop giving Steve the ol' hummer, but then you switch in the next sentence to (apparently) Steve thinking "wow, a 'um, you know what' in my mouth is really cool!"
When Steve came Soda couldn't help but give one of his famous smiles. Steve flipped them over so that he was on top and pulled off Soda's underwear. He was throbbing with lust and want.
"Throbbing with lust and want" paints a rather weird picture, but hey, in bad slash, a man's body can throb! Yes, we are probably being overly literal in our interpretation of what does the throbbing, but without better description, we run with what we got.
Without too much of a warning Steve forced himself into Soda. Sodapop shut his eyes at the pain. You would have thought that after three months he would be used to it but . . . no!
No, no, no and NO, is exactly right. We think a guy "forcing himself" into someone else is committing... yes, rape. Bad author! Bad! This isn't consensual sex! God, don't they ask permission of each other? You know, like real boyfriends would? Get a clue, fanbrat, about gay relationships.
Steve pulled out so that only the tip of his cock was in and forced himself back in with more force than before, causing Sodapop to moan loudly.
Since we've already handled the bad description of sex, we'll just note that "forced ... with more force" sounds kind of redundant and strange. Oh yes, and don't forget the lube - which, y'know, is kind of a necessity here.
I bet you're wondering, "Where's the rest of the gang?" Well, you're gonna have to read the other chapters to find out! — insert maniacal laugh here—
Author notes in the middle of a fic, no matter how cutesy or lovely, *do not belong there*.
Steve, lost in pleasure found himself even more aroused by his friend's moaning than ever. Soda came before he did and soon relaxed and watched his friend as he climaxed. They lay down next to each other, both sweating from all the (cough, cough) work they were doing and Soda snuggled into Steve's arms. Steve played with Soda's hair gently, and soon they were both asleep.
Actually, we think that this is slightly realistic. The Mutual Orgasm Of All That Is Holy is very rarely achieved, even for gay guys who have a bit more, shall we say, manual control over the situation.
We are surprised they would fall asleep, cuddling, when "the gang being none the wiser" implies that they'd be having hurried sex somewhere and hiding it, paranoiacally.
Assuming that's a word.
This fic is almost a textbook example, we think, of the damage lack of research can do to a fic. Focussing just on the sex angle, lube is a necessity, not an option, unless the guys involved have some kink about rough (and we do mean rough) sex.
Stay tuned for more, same bat-journal, same bat-fic.
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